Or, a business person’s online etiquette guide
My 19 things not to do on Facebook post went a little bit viral.
I think it’s because we all knew someone who was doing those things
And most likely it was us!
Well in this post I’m tackling LinkedIn.
Yep. It has to be done.
For many LinkedIn is quite simply a no-go zone due to the odd behaviour of many of its users.
In truth lots of my business buddies believe that LinkedIn just isn’t worth the effort.
But I’ve found it to be a fabooolooose way to make contacts and win work.
(So much so I made a course about it.)
Don’t get me wrong.
Yes, I deal with shitgibbons on LinkedIn every single day.
But I’m hopeful that this list of DON’TS might stem the flow of strange activity and make LinkedIn great again.
P.s. Before we get stuck in I fully admit to doing some, if not all, of the things on this list. Do as I say, not as I do.
1. Congratulations on your work anniversary
LinkedIn please stop trying to make Work Anniversaries happen.
Yes, Sue just gave up another 525600 seconds of her life to some sucky corporate job.
But the truth is Sue would rather repeatedly press a fork into her eyeball than be reminded of her faded dreams of being a dancer on a cruise ship.
Stop pouring salt in Sue’s career wound.
2. Hey, I just met you and this is crazy. But here’s my number, so call me maybe
Hi, my name’s Greg and wanted to say you look beautiful in your profile picture.
Can I nestle my greasy head in your warm soft bosom.
LinkedIn is not Tinder – you don’t swipe left (or is it right?) to find some accountant in Lewisham you’d like to tickle.
It’s a professional network for businessynessness.
Take your mind out of the gutter (and possibly your paw out of your pants – eww) and behave.
3. Size isn’t everything
Josh is an entrepreneur.
And he knows.
With lots of line breaks.
It makes him look more
It’s like that Ted Talker who walks across the stage purposefully, leaving pregnant pauses in his artfully abstract, life-changing speech.
Just because you spread your post out over 18 lines Josh, it doesn’t stop you being a vacuous aggressively white-toothed wankpuffin.
4. I have a High School diploma in Home Economics
LinkedIn is not your CV people.
You don’t need to include the paper round you had when you were 12.
Or list one of your qualifications as Grade 2 Flute playing.
Stick to the important stuff.
Like the litany of depressing soul-crushing jobs you’ve endured.
Now either you’re face is entirely featureless and white and you had your picture taken against a white background.
Or… you didn’t upload a picture.
Profiles without pictures are creepy.
No one likes creepy.
6. You are not a ninja
You are not a ninja or a guru. Nor are you a word wizard or a soulful story teller.
I’m sorry but giving yourself a whacky job title won’t make you or your job any more interesting.
- Brand Warrior
- Digital Overlord
- Chief Thinker
- Social media badass
- Chief thought provoker (Chief anything actually)
- Disruptive thinker
7. The Picker
No, Janine. You can’t pick my brain. Or any other organ for that matter.
I’m touched by your generous offer to buy me a coffee, but honestly, if you want to download my brain juice, then rather than a $3 dollar cup of caffeinated fluid I’d prefer it if you’d just pay me some cold hard cash.
Jennifer posts a selfie of her looking hot, she’s pouting and showing just a hint of boobage in her sexy business suit.
It only took 28 shots and an hour on the FaceTune app to get it just right.“I’m so enjoying my new role at Blah Blah inc” she posts.
She flicks her hair.
And watches as over the next few hours over 9087 comments flood in from randoms congratulating her and telling her she is hot.
The dopamine rush is delicious.
Jennifer reaches for her selfie stick once more…
(* I’m just bitter as I used to have great boobs and now I can tuck them in my socks.)
9. Scraping the bottom of the barrel
Well done Clive.
You managed to work out how to scrape email addresses from LinkedIn.
Just because we brushed past each other in a corridor in 1996 doesn’t mean I want to receive your newsletter.
10. Vaguery pokery
Him: Hi Kate how are you?
Me: I’m good.
Him: I’m good too.
<long pause – maybe a few days pass>
Him: Hey Kate, how are things going.
Him: Great to hear.
<long pause – maybe a few weeks>
Him: Hey Kate…
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF BUDDHA, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Try to sell me your thing.
Ask me a favour.
Just get to the effing point!
11. Over endorsement
Gary, I’m grateful for the endorsements honestly I am.
But I’m not actually an accountant.
Or an architect.
And my hairdressing skills are below par.
So… maybe, like, stop.
Josh met an old lady on a train and spent an hour talking to her.
Then they went for coffee and talked more.
She taught him so many lessons.
Because she’s old.
And old people are wise.
He’s so grateful.
It’s all so beautiful.
He had to share.
Josh, I’m welling up.
You’re amazing Josh.
Please let me pat you on the back for taking the time to talk to someone old and pass on their old wisdom, and after I’ve patted you on the back, may I slap you lovingly in the face?
13. Is this instafaceytwit?
- Posting a pick of your breakfast – wrong platform.
- Posting a meme about hedgehogs wrong platform.
- Posting a picture of that unusual rash in your armpit. Just wrong.
Remember, LinkedIn is for business boasting and tedium only.
Don’t mix up your social media messages.
14.The premature emailer
Thanks for connecting.
I’d love to get you involved in my new start up idea. We’ve invented a new app to connect business owners to hedgehogs. We’re currently seeking funding…
Stop it right there Brad.
We’ve only just ‘met.’
I was doubtful about accepting your request and now I realise why.
You’ve got to woo me a little before you try to shove your business tongue down my throat.
You’re too keen Brad. It’s not a good look.
What drives you mad about LinkedIn? Please post in the comments below. Oh and if you like this post, please share and tell me your favourite LinkedIn poor behaviour number.
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